2.8 KiB
Thoughts
I put to death my ego, LORD - my sense of self-importance, my pride. My pride in my work. My pride in my family. My pride in my tools. My skills. I put this to death. If you are to use any of these things that the pride is of, so be it - I render them all unto you.
I worry, LORD, that my words are losing meaning, since I have gone down roads I thought I was to go on. Because I set out a goal, and upon journeying and seeing that goal, realized that goal is not worth having.
I put to death my desire to continue this icon business and woodworking business. I enjoy it - but is it really my life's work? This is dubious.
I find that I am multi-talented, talented at nearly anything I set myself deeply into. However right now I am lacking dig-in. Lacking motivation. I do not want for skill, ut for the right thing to set into. The right place, perhaps.
Lord, I see what Jordan is doing - and I desire to bring that forth. To bring forth prosperous community.
Lord, I don't know what Stephen is thinking - I can only imagine. Help us to reason and deal well with each other. I have let things drag on poorly. I have not been a good friend. Even so, we must go forwards and do the right thing, whatever that might be.
I didn't clean up the mill. Oops.
What does my heart say?
My heart says my family misses me. And I miss them. And I would miss them more than I will miss my friends here. My rationality may not. But my heart - my motivation - says otherwise. It's such an opportunity - to renew roots, to freshen them up. I dream of what the farm could be. Did not I always dream this? Did not I always look as such? Lord, enrich our soil! Lord, grow our roots! Lord, turn us over - stir and till our hearts and make them receptive to you!
I am envious of Jordan, yes - he is doing a good thing.
I desire to be doing better things with my time. To be in good relationships with people. But I'm not. And it's hard to be with this distance. And uncertainty.
I recognize that around 2 years ago something changed in me. A corrupting influence. I think it really was the spirit of JonZ. Taking something that normally I did out of joy and doing it for profit, making it something I had to negotiate rather than be gift. A hostile relationship rather than just something that was difficult.
I don't do well with hostility, it's true. Especially when I'm on my own. Delicate. Rootless. Clinging to everything. Rather than clinging to that which fed me first - my family.
I worry about them, sure. I worry that they'll be a bad influence on me. But I will be a good influence on them. And hopefully in time they will be a good influence on me in return. I know that in many ways, they will be an immediate good influence. Force me to not self-sabotage. Force me to be honest. I hope I can do so. I hope I can can overcome my egocentricity.
So much ram-rodding.