1.8 KiB
Need to journal
Stressed
Feeling the squeeze on stock cropper stuff Mostly self imposed Need to at least get this sprint of stuff kicked off Then things get better for a while Not done Just a cooling Maybe I should do some THF design to take my mind off it
Reading the doc gives anxiety It's a commitment Kinda
I mean I can walk away
That non-compete has a slight language issue though
I am slow to make long term commitments I am fast to make short term commitments
Am I happy doing this? The pace is too much right now I want help. I could use help, if it was the right help. Or overall this is just not the right time Maybe
What would I do otherwise?
I need to pray and meditate more I'm not quite pleased with my social life but it is getting somewhere tbh It won't last though
What do I want Let's not worry about whether I should or not let's just be blunt. Lord perfect my desires but here they are I think I want to exercise agency I want to be of service to my neighbor I want to solve interesting problems I want to design things that suck less I don't want to drive equipment days on end I don't want to burn out I don't want to work 10 hour days doing design I am fine working 6 hours days of design + 4 hours manual labor I don't mind looking after animals I don't want to manage plants I want to mentor students/interns again, in my work, not as an auxiliary activity I want to design good things I want to be around nature I want to live with more natural processes I want quality leisure. What is that? Resting with the sheep. Discussing good ideas. Singing songs. I want to dwell closer to a few good friends.
I am fearful that this agreement will hamper things It may force me to leave home - which isn't the end but it doesn't feel ideal. I wanted to be closer to family. Roots. We'll see how this goes.
I dread the loss of complete personal agency.