110 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
110 lines
3.5 KiB
Markdown
Yes, I have the depression.
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It isn't the job that makes me unhappy, it's the being off-task.
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Or, rather, not having God in it.
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(What do you want me to do, LORD?)
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The autumn
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"The best test of whether it's worthwhile to work on something is whether you find it interesting. That may sound like a dangerously subjective measure, but it's probably the most accurate one you're going to get. You're the one working on the stuff. Who's in a better position than you to judge whether it's important, and what's a better predictor of its importance than whether it's interesting?
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For this test to work, though, you have to be honest with yourself. Indeed, that's the most striking thing about the whole question of working hard: how at each point it depends on being honest with yourself." - http://paulgraham.com/hwh.html
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I'll get back to things in a minute but on that, I'm going to dump out things that are interesting to me right now:
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- What would open-source hardware in an agricultural sphere look like, and can we drive towards that? Can we at least have open-source implements?
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- https://www.opensourceecology.org/portfolio/tractor/
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- How can a subsistence-based farm survive in this modern world?
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What am I grasping at? Always this sort of actual involvement with creation. Not and idleness. Although damn, right now, I am idle. And so I'm intellectually obsessed with this despite my depression.
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Right now
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I (INFP) am the
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polar
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opposite
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Of highschool/college me (ESTJ).
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The work
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The design
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The logic
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Does not interest me now
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I feel I have fallen
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Never to get up
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I feel I have changed
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Fundamentally
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I am unsure
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If I will ever be the same
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If I will ever design a machine again
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If I will ever build anything great
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Do I want to walk off into the wilderness?
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Not really.
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The luxury of sitting here
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And not being bothered
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And consuming opium
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Is quite nice.
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Question: What do I do with resentments?
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Of time wasted
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Talents unused
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People hurt
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Lord, what do you say to them?
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You who always did the Father's will
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What do I do,
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when I know I strayed,
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And did not listen to Him?
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Yes, I have sought repentance and forgiveness.
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But still the feeling remains.
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I cannot forgive myself for these things.
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And even if I do they remain.
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They are facts.
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Truths.
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I wrote unavoidable.
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But I suppose that isn't true.
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They are avoidable.
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Don't look back.
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I'm looking back a lot.
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God is pleased with you.
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And pleased
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Does not mean satisfied
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But it does mean pleased.
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Child.
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Your father loves you. Always. He delights in you. Even when you do not.
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Do not shy from him.
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Do not stop because you are ashamed.
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Continue on.
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Do what is pleasing to him.
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Strive for it.
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There is no better activity.
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Chase excellence.
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I do not want to o in the pit like the others.
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I desire the everlasting, Good life.
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The abundant life.
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Its fullness will not be satisfied here.
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I will not be satisfied here.
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Pleased at times perhaps.
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But satisfied? No.
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That's okay. You don't need to be satisfied. You don't even need to be pleased.
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*Is the water that slips through our hands wasted?*
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Luke 13 - grace that allows more time for the tree to bear fruit
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Why am I so desirous to yield fruit?
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As in, who for?
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It's for God.
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You should please him.
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He will be pleased.
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Indeed, he is already happy.
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(Don't give Stephen more fuel. Just do the thing and get on with it)
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I don't wanna deal with fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking legalese
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I don't wanna read one word of it even
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Lord, help me
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Because I have to
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