journal/Archive/Journal/What Makes You, You.md

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r2bKJEF8wPo

• Where are you comfortable?
• What works for me?
• Don't ask, "what is everyone around me doing?"
• What you are can change
  • Shave when it's practical. Grow it out again later.
• You're not going to make people around you happy. Be you.

I think I was trying too hard to put myself out. And Noelle's family doesn't do that well.

I'm struggling with identity. A lot. I don't know who I am right now. Am I an engineer? A woodworker? Do I like to drink? Do I detest it and like my sobriety? Am I a byzantine? A roman? A farmer? What in the actual hell am I? What am I supposed to do? I am expanded now into potential and have avoided actualization of that potential.

Confronted with a family setting, and having no great fallback, and being tight-knit, and trying to be tight-knit rather than retaining my original identity, I lost myself. That house is tiny.

I'm weird to your family. I lean into nature. I appreciate the cold. I like quiet. I like sarcasm. I like games. I like toying with things and digging at people to understand them rather than just asking (asking is boring, and usually wrong, in my experience). I like participating and learning people through actions.

I really felt like your family didn't make any effort to get to know me. When we were bouldering, the girls were bouldering and Thad was on his own.

I didn't know why I was there because they're not getting to know me, and I'm not doing things to recover my identity. I felt frozen. Neutered, actually.

I'm weird to my family, but I've learned how to do it. I like nature - so I go out and enjoy it on my own. I like reading - so I read on my own and give books. I like games - so initiate them and people follow quickly. I like good food - so I make it.

They've also learned how to use me. My mom asks for media recommendations. My dad asks for engineering advice. It's not my whole self, but it's still parts of me that I'm able to share.

This was an incredibly hard trip because I am sufferring to pin myself down, but I know certain things of who I am, and certain things that I am not, and those things were... violated isn't the right word but it's what comes to mind. And I got no teeth in. Sure I fixed Elise's shelf. And made some nice gifts. Maybe I'm expecting too much too quick.

And I didn't make enough time for myself. That's 100% on me.

I'm having difficulty picking myself back up, because I'm now having some liberty to define myself, but I've started to define myself in that context.

I got used to being accepted very well as myself this year. I felt like I would've gotten the same welcome as I did, and I didn't.

I fumbled around a lot and got confused. I'm still not sure what you guys play and how I can play the game. I found no ins. The week felt like a weeklong game of Mao; a week of pulling the rug out from under me. I sit, they stand; they play a game, then quit. Utterly confused what's going on. There are, of course, things that don't help:

• Different tastebuds ("isn't this wine just lovely???" "well... it's ok I guess")
  • I've been excited this year to be more comfortable saying "yeah no I hate this", and people respecting that. I'm not loving going back to couching.
• Different timings
  • I'm dozing off when things are getting started... I'm up and at em when people are rising
• Different energy levels
  • I have a lot of inertia. When I'm moving I want to continue moving. I don't get tired. When I'm not moving I want to stay put. I don't rise and fall. I'm steady. Noelle's family is not steady - anything but.
  • I want to do things not talk about them.
    • On the same token I hate being intrusive
• Expectation of "fun"
  • Noelle's family is not fun. They are frustrating. She continually hyped them up as fun. Then they would act like they would be fun for a few seconds... only to not be.
    • Hm. I'm easy to tow along.

Here's some key points to takeaway:

1. I was/am in a sensitive spot. I'm in a bit of an identity crisis.
   1. I lost who I was. But I knew I wasn't your family.
   2. I subconsciously desired some sense of identity, of which I was not granted.
      1. Because I don't know how to be in your family.
2. I am confused how your family 'works'.
   1. I felt like I was in a weeklong game of Mao. There seems to be rules but I don't know what they are. Or maybe it's just tyrrany.
   2. Sean coming in helped me out immensely because he brings sarcasm to the table. Suddenly, I'm speaking the same language as someone else (and everyone becomes a little more willing to speak that language without getting too pissed off).
      1. I'm still very confused exactly why his final comments were so hurtful to you.
3. I had an expectation that your family would be fun - I remember you hyping them up a lot as fun. This did not turn out to be the case.
   1. They are very talk-heavy. This is actually not a problem in and of itself, but coupled with the next points, makes things hard.
   2. When they talk, they talk over each other, and leave no good spaces for interruptions or additions.
   3. They detest corrections or cross-examination or sarcasm. (Except Collette, she's fun in this regard)
   4. Overall, I didn't encounter the things I associate with "fun".
4. My impression of your family this time was indeed worse than back in May. Then you had a common rally, and an obvious stressor. This time, we had the Birth of Christ - a reality which seemed to be pretty unacknowledged. Is it Christmas? I'm not sure still. Doesn't feel like it.
6. Our energy styles are very different.
   1. I have a lot of momentum. If I'm doing something, I want to continue doing it*. I don't like context-switching. I like spending ten hours in the shop. I'm used to playing hours of the same game.
      1. • If I'm not doing something, I want to be doing something. My 'default level' is higher.
      2. I'm good to go from one thing to another without reset. Resets are hard for me, generally.
   2. Your family is low-inertia. They bounce around from activity to activity a lot and don't have sticktoitiveness.
7. The physical circumstances were just not conducive. In all fairness that wouldn't have worked with my family either. Maybe for 8 hours but not 40.
8. I wonder if these dispositions pose issues for how we generally interact. They seem like undercurrents in our own relationship.
   1. Energy styles