2.7 KiB
VOMIT 15MAR2024
VENT
Can talk to machine shops for work or opportunities, who knows what will come? Why don't I want to do this? Fear of never being perfect. Fear of impostership. Fear of falling for something. I think this is a big part of it. Fear of falling for something. Someone. Something. Someone. All over again. No more love please. It's too painful. stick to the safety, perhaps. Fix the mill. So much fixing the mill. I bought hte wrong mill. Maybe. That other one might have even mORE problems which you can't see. Why a mill. You don't need a mill. Or so you think. Where to go, where to be? I have waited 4 years 5 years to build. May 2024 will be 5 years out of college and what do I have to show - $100k, some tools, and experience. Not everyone has that I guess. I am pretty interesting. Interesting doesn't mean happy. Doesn't mean godly. saintly. holy. 4 years. 4 years since Evelyn. 3 years. 3 years since cedars. 2 years. 2 years since Vera. 1 year. 1 year since Noelle. 2 since she came on the scene. 2 years. With joys. But how vapid. How fleeting. Up in smoke. Never to be seen again. Never to be looked back on again fondly. Never to be recalled with pleasure.
I want to reside in peace and love. I want to be close to my parents, in some sense. But in another, I fear they stunt me. I don't know how I am to get a wife by living this life. I don't know how I am to feel settled without that. I don't know how I am to commit to anything.
It seems like over and over and over again it's the same pattern: I want a thing. That thing is expensive. Find the budget thing. Keep looking and pining. Get so exhausted that finally something that seems right comes along, and I just jump for it, even if a slightly better thing is just around the corner. Vera. Noelle? DAPR. Loretto. Kylie. Just. Wrong decision after wrong decision. I keep getting it wrong. And God never speaks to me to correct me. What do I do? Are all the possibilities wrong - am I barking up a wrong tree? People often hear that God will bless them even if they pursue their current path. I don't see it. Maybe I am just lazy or........ ach.
Why am I leading things when I am so lost myself?
Why do I seek to stand on my own strength?
Do we stay in IL? Do we move? If so where? MO / IN most likely. This is a place of broken hearts and minds. This is a place oppressed and of broken spirit. Can it be lifted?
OBLIGATIONS
Taxes. HSA. Ad. Brochure. Etc. Understand lastpass Fix the mill. Get it in the corner. Or something like that. Prep CCD Prep Men's group
MINDSET
What 1 thing needs to change? What 1 thing, if you did, would make all of the above easier?
Spiritual direction most likely. Self-forgiveness.