journal/Archive/2023-08-05.md

Hello, my LORD.

What a nice hike. And a good but maybe overly long chat with Jon.

I'm passing the buck back up to you. Which is an improper absconding of authority. Authority that I have over my own life. You have the authority to intervene. But I have authority normally. I shouldn't ask for a bailout. I should desire to do what you want - but that means being free. I think I understand.

Well. Let's get to that. But to get there let me get a few annoyances out of the way.

1. I feel like I've failed to "build the resources" so I can "build the life". But maybe that's not true.

   1. I've put a good amount of money in the bank
   2. I've met some good people (maybe not all the right people, but some good people)
   3. I've learned a bit of what I do and don't want to do going forwards
   4. Now, I have let certain things slip by me. There's been wasted time. But that's in the past. Only look forwards.

2. The vision I'm articulating - does it make sense in IL or NH? The answer, actually, is that it can make sense in either place, I think.

   1. In NH, I have:
      1. Decent people around me for faith formation
      2. Jordan, who is somewhat experienced in the running of a business, headship of a family, renovating of houses, and tending of a homestead. He's starting on all of this in the grand scheme of things, and not entrenched in his ways. He's open to building the community and culture around his family.
      3. A makerspace with some nice tools at my disposal - but not much space.
      4. A network of people in Lectio who aren't really going to die for me, but might be able to vouch if I asked them to
      5. Good liturgy
   2. In IL, I have:
      1. A family that can fight and dig in a little harder for personal formation
      2. A family that is experienced in the running of business, headship of family, renovating of houses, and tending of a farm. We're along the middle of all of this, and pretty well entrenched in our ways.
      3. A number of agricultural businesses and the like that are at least somewhat based in my roots, who I would be inclined to support more readily than businesses here in NH, frankly.
      4. Past acquaintances from a childhood life who can pull certain strings and levers, perhaps
      5. My dad and grandpa's shops at my disposal - but not much in the way of nice tools

3. Am I responsible for my family? Is being close to them not the fitting and right place to be?

4. What's best not only for you but for the people you love? What can you provide?

   1. I do love Jordan and the folks out here. I can provide some good art and cabinets and my skills and knowledge. Maybe even down the line I can provide some food. I suppose I can provide love. I can learn from them.
   2. My family, on the other hand... I can provide help. With IT, with maintenance and repairs, with a new house. I can provide some impetus for growth and development and betterment. I can provide some fresh ideas to folks in need of them. I can provide sonship. Love. I can learn discipline. I can practice negotiations within my family. Asking for what I want. I can practice being visionary.

5. Giving up isn't what I want. Although it's easy to fall into that narrative. That's what the Enemy wants me to think in terms of. But that's not what I want, truly. I should not desire it.