35 lines
2.7 KiB
Markdown
35 lines
2.7 KiB
Markdown
VOMIT 15MAR2024
|
|
|
|
# VENT
|
|
Can talk to machine shops for work or opportunities, who knows what will come?
|
|
Why don't I want to do this? Fear of never being perfect. Fear of impostership. Fear of falling for something. I think this is a big part of it. Fear of falling for something. Someone. Something. Someone. All over again. No more love please. It's too painful. stick to the safety, perhaps.
|
|
Fix the mill. So much fixing the mill. I bought hte wrong mill. Maybe. That other one might have even mORE problems which you can't see.
|
|
Why a mill. You don't need a mill. Or so you think.
|
|
Where to go, where to be? I have waited 4 years 5 years to build. May 2024 will be 5 years out of college and what do I have to show - $100k, some tools, and experience. Not everyone has that I guess. I am pretty interesting. Interesting doesn't mean happy. Doesn't mean godly. saintly. holy.
|
|
4 years. 4 years since Evelyn. 3 years. 3 years since cedars. 2 years. 2 years since Vera. 1 year. 1 year since Noelle. 2 since she came on the scene. 2 years. With joys. But how vapid. How fleeting. Up in smoke. Never to be seen again. Never to be looked back on again fondly. Never to be recalled with pleasure.
|
|
|
|
I want to reside in peace and love. I want to be close to my parents, in some sense. But in another, I fear they stunt me. I don't know how I am to get a wife by living this life. I don't know how I am to feel settled without that. I don't know how I am to commit to anything.
|
|
|
|
It seems like over and over and over again it's the same pattern: I want a thing. That thing is expensive. Find the budget thing. Keep looking and pining. Get so exhausted that finally something that seems right comes along, and I just jump for it, even if a slightly better thing is just around the corner. Vera. Noelle? DAPR. Loretto. Kylie. Just. Wrong decision after wrong decision. I keep getting it wrong. And God never speaks to me to correct me. What do I do? Are all the possibilities wrong - am I barking up a wrong tree? People often hear that God will bless them even if they pursue their current path. I don't see it. Maybe I am just lazy or........ ach.
|
|
|
|
Why am I leading things when I am so lost myself?
|
|
|
|
Why do I seek to stand on my own strength?
|
|
|
|
Do we stay in IL? Do we move? If so where? MO / IN most likely. This is a place of broken hearts and minds. This is a place oppressed and of broken spirit. Can it be lifted?
|
|
|
|
# OBLIGATIONS
|
|
Taxes. HSA.
|
|
Ad. Brochure. Etc.
|
|
Understand lastpass
|
|
Fix the mill. Get it in the corner. Or something like that.
|
|
Prep CCD
|
|
Prep Men's group
|
|
|
|
|
|
# MINDSET
|
|
What 1 thing needs to change?
|
|
What 1 thing, if you did, would make all of the above easier?
|
|
|
|
Spiritual direction most likely.
|
|
Self-forgiveness. |