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I'm staring at this precipice. I think. Or I'm acting like it. But I need the options laid out in front of me.
Well. There are really just a few forks.
- Stock Cropper or no?
- Full-in on livestock?
- Religious life?
#3 is all devouring. And that's fine & good. #1 could become all devouring. Will it really? I'm not sure it will. But it may.
Perhaps it's best to lay out my anxieties. A lot of them are in the realm of "will I have time to attend to everything"
- Will I have time to juggle the farm, the new house build, and any engineering development that may come?
- Will I be earning reasonable pay?
- Will I find a good woman? Does she exist?
- Do I even want communion? Do I want a woman? Do I want brotherhood? I suspect I still do. But it's hard to find that. I am really looking for nuance, not idealogically captured.
- Am I becoming ideologically captured? Am I becoming dull?
- Will continuing to pursue engineering force me to forsake agriculture?
- And if I forsake (the deep study of) agriculture, will I be learning what I ought to?
- Is the building up of engineering artifacts a waste if I cannot make the appropriate cultural shifts around me to sustain it?
- What can I do that will have the greatest positive cultural impact?
- I haven't left myself enough time to adequately discern religious life before I shove myself into this startup-shaped funnel.
Some observations
- Engineering, however small, fixates me - I cannot wretch myself from it to ponder questions of agronomy, so it seems. I cannot do both well. The agronomy suffers. I find this shameful. I don't like this. Maybe it isn't immutable but it certainly seems like an overwhelming temptation.
- I appreciate being near family. It is very grounding. I haven't spiraled very badly with them around. And it's not just a daily thing, I think even touch-and-go helps. In absence of a wife or religious community it is a big help.
- I'm being avoidant of something.
21AUG2025
Sitting in adoration Reading ecclesiastes "There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil" How shall I find enjoyment in my toil? I find enjoyment in building and designing stuff Truly I do And in tending livestock but not in driving trucks and stuff, not really
When I consider the present moment all I can consider is doing this stuff engineering, that is