# Empty thine head
- Oblivion and hiraeth is real. I just want everything in my life right now to burn away and be left with the life in Illinois. It's strange.
- There's something I haven't quite processed - oh no that was it.
- I look at the last four years as wasted time now.
- What was it really though?
- I learned that Catholicism was true (I would not have learned that in Illinois, or most places)
- I learned that Catholic Social Teaching is deep and true (this didn't really hit me until Steubenville)
- I am learning now that my actions have consequences. And I need to be mindful of them. And actually discern things I get into, while still being able to say "yes" to things. But it just takes one wrong "yes" to get off track.
- Although, I do think I made a few wrong yeses.
- Vera was another wrong yes, one I got too far into too quickly.
- I also fear that I was supposed to turn somewhere differently there
	- I actually suspect I would have ran into Lectio sooner had we not got involved
- And I just hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate the idea of being in corporate hellscape or even touching it or dealing with it for .05 seconds
	- (yet how I love to hate)
- I don't wanna go back to that I don't wanna go back to that I don't wanna go back to that
- I wanna build stuff that helps me and my family and immediate community in real ways that are good and beautiful and point to truth
- But I gotta get back there
- And yes. I'm scared that I'm too weak and stupid and lazy and perhaps more than anything, tainted by this soft world. I've gotten soft. Can I get hard again? Re-calloused?
	- That's something that timberframing taught me: yes I can.
- Can my dad slow down and enjoy the work?
- Can my mom break out and be peaceful?
- I can't induce these things. But I can pray, and witness. It'll be long. Years long. But. Worth it.
- Worth it to have that sort of relationship I've seen in these great couples. Worth it to heal my relationship with my father. To make it great and fertile. To make the soil fertile. To be with them again. To be on OUR LAND. That's worth something. That's worth a lot of things even.
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