Yes, I have the depression.

It isn't the job that makes me unhappy, it's the being off-task.
Or, rather, not having God in it.
(What do you want me to do, LORD?)

The autumn

"The best test of whether it's worthwhile to work on something is whether you find it interesting. That may sound like a dangerously subjective measure, but it's probably the most accurate one you're going to get. You're the one working on the stuff. Who's in a better position than you to judge whether it's important, and what's a better predictor of its importance than whether it's interesting?  
  
For this test to work, though, you have to be honest with yourself. Indeed, that's the most striking thing about the whole question of working hard: how at each point it depends on being honest with yourself." - http://paulgraham.com/hwh.html

I'll get back to things in a minute but on that, I'm going to dump out things that are interesting to me right now:
- What would open-source hardware in an agricultural sphere look like, and can we drive towards that? Can we at least have open-source implements?
	- https://www.opensourceecology.org/portfolio/tractor/
- How can a subsistence-based farm survive in this modern world?


What am I grasping at? Always this sort of actual involvement with creation. Not and idleness. Although damn, right now, I am idle. And so I'm intellectually obsessed with this despite my depression.

Right now
I (INFP) am the
	polar
		opposite
Of highschool/college me (ESTJ).

The work
	The design
		The logic
			Does not interest me now

I feel I have fallen
Never to get up
I feel I have changed
Fundamentally
I am unsure
If I will ever be the same
If I will ever design a machine again
If I will ever build anything great

Do I want to walk off into the wilderness?
Not really.
The luxury of sitting here
And not being bothered
And consuming opium
Is quite nice.

Question: What do I do with resentments?
	Of time wasted
		Talents unused
			People hurt
Lord, what do you say to them?
	You who always did the Father's will
		What do I do,
			when I know I strayed,
				And did not listen to Him?
					Yes, I have sought repentance and forgiveness.
						But still the feeling remains.
						I cannot forgive myself for these things.
						And even if I do they remain.
						They are facts.
						Truths.
						I wrote unavoidable.
						But I suppose that isn't true.
					They are avoidable.
						Don't look back.
						I'm looking back a lot.

God is pleased with you.
	And pleased
		Does not mean satisfied
	But it does mean pleased.
	Child.
	Your father loves you. Always. He delights in you. Even when you do not.
	Do not shy from him.
	Do not stop because you are ashamed.
	Continue on.
	Do what is pleasing to him.
	Strive for it.
	There is no better activity.
	Chase excellence.

I do not want to o in the pit like the others.
	I desire the everlasting, Good life.
		The abundant life.
	Its fullness will not be satisfied here.
		I will not be satisfied here.
			Pleased at times perhaps.
				But satisfied? No.
					That's okay. You don't need to be satisfied. You don't even need to be pleased. 

*Is the water that slips through our hands wasted?*
Luke 13 - grace that allows more time for the tree to bear fruit

Why am I so desirous to yield fruit?
As in, who for?
It's for God.
You should please him.
He will be pleased.
Indeed, he is already happy.

(Don't give Stephen more fuel. Just do the thing and get on with it)



I don't wanna deal with fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucking legalese
I don't wanna read one word of it even
Lord, help me
Because I have to