wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwhat the hell

I'm miffed.
Why am I here doing this?
Father please hear me.
Christ hear me.
Spirit hear me.
Come, Holy Sprit.
Help me to bear open my heart and to look at it and understand it.

I'm so miffed. I've left a life that I once loved.
Okay be honest. You loved it for about a year and change. You liked Caspian summers. That's all. Maybe a few moments here and there. But overall. Mid.

I hear this more and more recently. Be at the gate. Go up to it. Be in the world. But it just irritates me. Because the world is building things stupidly and at the most fundamental level. It's just bandaids. I don't do bandaids.

Paul told me not to make bandaids. I don't know if he meant that as an exemplar or as a class of problem.

But it speaks to my style. What I do is fundamental overhauls. I rip out the guts and put in fresh. Proper. Beautiful. You don't do that at the gates though except by invasion.

God, I'm looking for something.

	We will do the same and greater works than Jesus
	A whole body that will do this
	We will not come up with greater thinking, talking, etc. than Jesus...

How much of my misery has been from envy? from lust for power? rather than true submission? rather than pretend submission, but still ultimately - I rely on my savings

Do what he tells you usually ends up being
	Go and make disciples of the world

Can I just shut up
If I just do a simple task for a while
And shut up
Will I be happier?
Clearer minded?
Not difukus?
Not difukus...

	 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.

	And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

	You need a revelation of Jesus.