Need to journal

Stressed

Feeling the squeeze on stock cropper stuff
Mostly self imposed
Need to at least get this sprint of stuff kicked off
Then things get better for a while
Not done
Just a cooling
Maybe I should do some THF design to take my mind off it


Reading the doc gives anxiety
It's a commitment 
Kinda

I mean I can walk away

That non-compete has a slight language issue though

I am slow to make long term commitments 
I am fast to make short term commitments

Am I happy doing this?
The pace is too much right now
I want help. I could use help, if it was the right help.
Or overall this is just not the right time
Maybe

What would I do otherwise?

I need to pray and meditate more
I'm not quite pleased with my social life but it is getting somewhere tbh
It won't last though


What do I want
Let's not worry about whether I should or not let's just be blunt. Lord perfect my desires but here they are I think 
I want to exercise agency
I want to be of service to my neighbor
I want to solve interesting problems 
I want to design things that suck less
I don't want to drive equipment days on end
I don't want to burn out
I don't want to work 10 hour days doing design
I am fine working 6 hours days of design + 4 hours manual labor
I don't mind looking after animals
I don't want to manage plants
I want to mentor students/interns again, in my work, not as an auxiliary activity
I want to design good things
I want to be around nature
I want to live with more natural processes
I want quality leisure. What is that? Resting with the sheep. Discussing good ideas. Singing songs.
I want to dwell closer to a few good friends.

I am fearful that this agreement will hamper things
It may force me to leave home - which isn't the end but it doesn't feel ideal. I wanted to be closer to family. Roots. We'll see how this goes.

I dread the loss of complete personal agency.