Lord,

I'm looking through my old notebooks.
There's a lot of the same dreams.
A lot of weirdness.
Get married. Have a fram. Write some software. Make some tools. I mean, it's stuff I want to do. But what is the source of thatwant? Is it a divine call on my heart since the beginning? Or is it the call of mammon?

Don't do anything you wouldn't do for free.
Christ doesn't quite teach that but hey.

I think we want to be in love. Our hearts are meant for that.
I sought love for my creations. My hobbled-together, duct-taped, bolted-on creations. And in return, what have they given me?
Pretty lousy children.

I feel I've sunk my time into the wrong things.
It's important to recognize my talents.
My skills.
My loves.
But at the end of the day, what are they bringing me towards?
Does this love reflect the true God?

I love a lot but I feel my love has been unreflected.
Unrequited.
I pour into the makerspace.
It does not pour back into me.
Hm.
Deb feels the same way.

It's been a while since I've gone into the mountains.
Sat.
Been with the world.
I forget that He loves me, often.

The sun is so warm.

We pay out love because we are loved. It is hard to love when you are not loved. Maybe that's as simple as sunshine.

As I look through these old dreams - they aren't too different than what I have today. Land. Tools. Love. The question is, then, why have I not acted on them?

Do I feel unworthy? Yes.
Have I been cowardly? Also yes.
Have I been holding out for something better? Yes most of all.
Something worth throwing everything into. Burning the ships. Something big, but worth the bigness.

I sit here with a broken finger and an aching heart. A heart which longs to be loved and love.

What does this co-creator want to build?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cLlVrntXz0
	"Everyone will help you discover what you set out to find"
	We wish to live inside the safety of the laws. We fear to choose. Jesus insists on choice. One thing he condemns utterly is avoiding the choice. To choose is to commit yourself. And to commit yourself is to run the risk of failure, the risk of sin, the risk of betrayal. But Jesus can deal with all of those. Forgiveness He never denies us. The man who makes a mistake can repent, but the man who hesitates, who does nothing, who buries his talent in the earth, with him He can do nothing.

I have avoided choices. I am still dating Noelle. I am renting an apartment still. The things which I complained to past lovers about, I am doing.

I feel like I can't get on with life.

Question: Do you feel called to the priesthood?
Answer:   What does called mean? You're drawn. What draws you about that life? Purity, perhaps. 

I do fear choice and boxing-in. I want to remain open. I want to not become an idiot. But as time goes on, I see myself becoming more of an idiot because I refuse to think with others. I have equated intellect with independence; in reality, we arrive to the same conclusions naturally.

I know, repeatedly, time in and time out, over and over again, constantly, the call on my heart. But it's such a high level thing. It's more like a guiding principle. But it's an aspect of God. It's what draws me to the Melkites. It's what draws me to Lectio. It's what drives good relationships. Hm. Maybe it's a bit higher than I give credit for. Maybe it is just pure *intimacy*. I want to be intimate with a machine. With a person. To be wrapped up. To be on the same page. To understand the quirks. The ticks. To be in unison - not the same thing, but in unison. Mechanisms were where I got my in.

I suppose it isn't reasonable that everyone whould share that. That's why we have marriage and not free love. To unite to a particular because you're better at it - and because it gives the union substance.

I crave that. I think that's a very human urge in general. To want intimacy with things. And even as I write now I want intimacy with these ideas. Wild.