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24sep2025.md

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+Need to journal
+
+Stressed
+
+Feeling the squeeze on stock cropper stuff
+Mostly self imposed
+Need to at least get this sprint of stuff kicked off
+Then things get better for a while
+Not done
+Just a cooling
+Maybe I should do some THF design to take my mind off it
+
+
+Reading the doc gives anxiety
+It's a commitment 
+Kinda
+
+I mean I can walk away
+
+That non-compete has a slight language issue though
+
+I am slow to make long term commitments 
+I am fast to make short term commitments
+
+Am I happy doing this?
+The pace is too much right now
+I want help. I could use help, if it was the right help.
+Or overall this is just not the right time
+Maybe
+
+What would I do otherwise?
+
+I need to pray and meditate more
+I'm not quite pleased with my social life but it is getting somewhere tbh
+It won't last though
+
+
+What do I want
+Let's not worry about whether I should or not let's just be blunt. Lord perfect my desires but here they are I think 
+I want to exercise agency
+I want to be of service to my neighbor
+I want to solve interesting problems 
+I want to design things that suck less
+I don't want to drive equipment days on end
+I don't want to burn out
+I don't want to work 10 hour days doing design
+I am fine working 6 hours days of design + 4 hours manual labor
+I don't mind looking after animals
+I don't want to manage plants
+I want to mentor students/interns again, in my work, not as an auxiliary activity
+I want to design good things
+I want to be around nature
+I want to live with more natural processes
+I want quality leisure. What is that? Resting with the sheep. Discussing good ideas. Singing songs.
+I want to dwell closer to a few good friends.
+
+I am fearful that this agreement will hamper things
+It may force me to leave home - which isn't the end but it doesn't feel ideal. I wanted to be closer to family. Roots. We'll see how this goes.
+
+I dread the loss of complete personal agency.