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20AUG2025.md

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+I'm staring at this precipice. I think. Or I'm acting like it. But I need the options laid out in front of me.
+
+Well. There are really just a few forks.
+
+1. Stock Cropper or no?
+2. Full-in on livestock?
+3. Religious life?
+
+#3 is all devouring. And that's fine & good.
+#1 could become all devouring. Will it really? I'm not sure it will. But it may.
+
+Perhaps it's best to lay out my anxieties. A lot of them are in the realm of "will I have time to attend to everything"
+1. Will I have time to juggle the farm, the new house build, and any engineering development that may come?
+2. Will I be earning reasonable pay?
+3. Will I find a good woman? Does she exist?
+4. Do I even want communion? Do I want a woman? Do I want brotherhood? I suspect I still do. But it's hard to find that. I am really looking for nuance, not idealogically captured.
+5. Am I becoming ideologically captured? Am I becoming dull?
+6. Will continuing to pursue engineering force me to forsake agriculture?
+7. And if I forsake (the deep study of) agriculture, will I be learning what I ought to?
+8. Is the building up of engineering artifacts a waste if I cannot make the appropriate cultural shifts around me to sustain it?
+9. ***What can I do that will have the greatest positive cultural impact?***
+10. I haven't left myself enough time to adequately discern religious life before I shove myself into this startup-shaped funnel.
+11. 
+
+Some observations
+1. Engineering, however small, fixates me - I cannot wretch myself from it to ponder questions of agronomy, so it seems. I cannot do both well. The agronomy suffers. I find this shameful. I don't like this. Maybe it isn't immutable but it certainly seems like an overwhelming temptation.
+2. I appreciate being near family. It is very grounding. I haven't spiraled very badly with them around. And it's not just a daily thing, I think even touch-and-go helps. In absence of a wife or religious community it is a big help.
+3. I'm being avoidant of something.
+
+# 21AUG2025
+Sitting in adoration
+Reading ecclesiastes
+"There is nothing better for a person than that he should eat and drink and find enjoyment in his toil"
+How shall I find enjoyment in my toil?
+I find enjoyment in building and designing stuff
+Truly I do
+And in tending livestock
+*but not in driving trucks and stuff, not really*
+
+When I consider the present moment
+all I can consider is doing this stuff
+engineering, that is
+